Not Social!?

I wouldn’t consider myself a very social person. I like people and I am friendly but I think I can be a little awkward in social situations where I don’t know the people around me. What do I say, what will we talk about, will they judge me because of what I’m wearing (I’m a girl)……? Also, I am just more comfortable in my own personal bubble.

My boyfriend on the other hand is quite social and has a BOATLOAD of friends. They are all great people and I really enjoy being around them. When it comes to going out and doing things, I would typically rather be home hangin’ out. Especially if my man and I haven’t seen each other in a while so I can snuggle with him because I know that whether we stay in or go out, I will want to snuggle.

Case in point, we went out for one of his friends’ wife’s birhtdays’ and we ended up seated across from each other at the end of the table. Once we were done eating, I moved my chair so that it was practically on top of his chair and I draped my leg over him. I did it without even thinking that the person I had been sitting next to might be offended because now there was one empty spot at the table next to him where I had moved from and everyone kind of gave me a little grief about it…oops. But all of his friends there are married and see their spouses day in and day out and I miss seeing my guy. Anyway, off subject, back to not being very social……..

I am so used to staying in that when the opportunity to go out arises, I will hesitate to agree. Not because I don’t want to see people, but because I am so set and comfortable being boring in my own little world that it seems a little daunting. But here’s the thing, I ALWAYS enjoy myself! Even if the “event” isn’t anything spectacular, I always come home happy that I just went out.

I recently read another blog from someone who recently kicked cancer’s a$$. She gave three things she learned while going through as very difficult part of her life and her third tip has really stuck with me all day. It was “Be Social”.  She too said that she has never been a very social person and had to kind of force herself to go out and just like me, always felt better for going. So while at home in a super sterilized house because of here impaired immune system without too many people, she realized how important it was to be around and socialize with other people.

I think that because I work in an environment where I am around people all day and then say hello to people all night at my second job, I like the solitude of my own space. But I also know how good I feel when I am able to be around people (it’s also very nice to “dress up” every once in a while.)

So I am going to try and challenge myself a bit and get out there! Even if it’s just me and the man out for a run together. I will still fully enjoy being with just him snuggling in private, but it’s always nice to be out and about together to show off my stud 😉

Rough

Today’s workout was ROUGH!!! Not because I was trying some crazy new stuff or anything, but because I ate too much before going and thought I might puke at any moment. Yes, I am still eating like I’m going into hibernation and won’t be eating for months. I don’t know what my deal is……oh wait,  I almost forgot about the stress in my life right now, GRRR.

I ended up eating a huge amount of almonds and then tons of chocolate this morning after I ate my breakfast and I was just going to skip the gym again today, but I was so caffeinated from the chocolate that I tricked myself into thinking I’d be okay. Lesson learned. My performance sucked and I felt horrible. One of these days I’ll regain my self control and and continue moving forward.

Something else that has been happening more frequently over the past couple of weeks is that I’ll start to feel dizzy and lightheaded after an intense set and like I may black out. I have been saying for a while that I need to go and get some blood work done because I’m pretty sure that my iron is low which means that my blood isn’t carrying enough oxygen. I have been putting it off because I don’t have insurance and am afraid of the cost. I’m also a little scared that they’ll find something worse than just low iron. I have just been feeling so off lately. On top of feeling lightheaded, I find myself short of breath doing simple things including just talking while walking these days and I find myself taking a lot of deep breaths to get oxygen lately. I am also extremely exhausted. I was at work earlier this week and felt the need to lie on the concrete floor to rest for awhile. This is very unlike me and it is very frustrating. I need to bite the bullet and at least call and ask for prices (like my boyfriend has been telling me to do).

In other news, my cousin from Wisconsin was in town yesterday and it was one of my aunt’s birthdays, so my cousin arranged a surprise for her. My aunt’s fiance recently opened a restaurant called Wyatt’s Twisted Americana in Hastings, MN so my cousin called all of our cousins and aunts in the area to meet there for dinner along with our Nana. She had no idea and was so happy…..and surprised ;).

It was so nice to see everyone. I even got to see my two younger sisters whom I see very rarely because of our equally busy schedules. My youngest sister recently turned 18 and got her chest pierced (a dermal) and a tattoo (2 tattoos?) of a set of black and white roses, one on each hip. My other sister had gotten a tattoo a bit ago but I hadn’t seen it until last night. I was a little nervous to see it because I don’t particularly like tattoos on the arms of females unless it’s a sleeve or half sleeve, but it was beautifully done and looked like a sketch of a geisha.

Fallen Off the Wagon

For the past couple of weeks I have been really struggling with my diet. I want sugar and fat and I’m quickly losing my self control……ok let’s be honest, my self control has completely disappeared. I have also lost motivation to get into the gym 😦  It’s frustrating for me.

I know that I am the only one that makes the decision for what goes into my mouth and it is completely my own fault for eating what I have been eating…..and drinking. Yes, I’ve also been drinking. Not a lot, but more than normal considering I don’t usually drink at all.

Very strange, but by the end of the week I want to drink. I don’t know exactly what it is but I can guess it is due to a combination of things…… 1) not getting enough sleep; I am still working until 11 pm twice a week at the gym and then 6 am most mornings at my full time job which means very little sleep is being had. 2) I am really hating my living situation as of late and it stresses me out just knowing that my moms’ husband is ALWAYS home. We got into it a few weeks ago and I have been extra stressed about living here lately. 3) Lack of money to move and also pay off my credit card from when I was living on my own previously while in school full time and only able to work part time so I charged EVERYTHING…..very bad idea. 4) Missing my boyfriend a LOT! Because our schedules are so busy, we aren’t able to see each other as often as I would like. I find myself missing him quite a bit.

I do have some good things happening as well. I was accepted into the U of M’s nutrition program and I’ll be starting in the fall!!!!! I am so stoked that it is FINALLY happening!!

My best friend that lives in Florida is graduating May 4th and as a graduation gift, she asked her sister to fly me down to visit!! I will be there from May 1-9 and am really looking forward to seeing her!! I really miss her!! Her sister will also be coming in from Guam for her graduation, so I get to hang with both of them!!

 

Kristen and I in Cancun in 2010....WOW! I can't believe it's been that long!! We used to go to Mexico twice a year.

She is student teaching 12th grade English right now at a high school in Florida and I couldn’t be more proud of her. She is  also getting an award from the College of Education! So exciting!!

Anyway, I MUST get back on the wagon and tighten up my diet or else my pants will get tighter……I split my pants at work a few weeks ago. It was not a proud moment, but I did have to laugh because that ish is funny.

It’s Been Awhile

Okay, I know it’s been awhile, but I’ve been BUSY!!! Busy trying to stay sane! This whole I only sleep a total of 12 hours in three nights is exhausting! This week after those three nights of such little sleep, I slept 11 hours!!! I can’t even remember when I have EVER slept that long! When I woke and saw that it was 10AM, I was very surprised, I don’t even sleep that late when I’m on vacation and out dancing until 4AM.  Let’s just say I really needed it.

I’ve been feeling very unlike myself lately and am pretty sure it’s from the lack of sleep and wish I could get more but know that if I want to continue to work part time at the gym, it’s a sacrifice I’ll have to make right now for the bit of extra cash. It seems that I want to faceplant into a case of cookies by the end of the week. I don’t usually end up doing that, but I do find myself overeating other junk and I feel that I am sabotaging myself 😦  I need to gain weight to put on muscle, yes, but I don’t want to end up gaining a bunch of extra chub on top of it.

Later on today, I’m going to the Gopher Bodybuilding Show with a friend from the gym. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone’s hard work…….and I’ll more than likely torture myself by comparing where I’m at to where the females that are competing are at. Come on, I know I’m not the only one that does that.

 

Do you ever feel that you aren’t going anywhere in life? Shouldn’t we be progressing?

In the past month, I have run into five people that I used to know, three from high school and two people that I used to work with. Every single one of them has asked, “Are you married yet?” and “What are you doing now?”. It has me thinking…..at my age (30), should I be married? Have kids? A career? My own house? A yard? A dog?????? I know we all choose different paths in life and there is no “right” path to follow, but I know that when I was younger I did not picture myself to be doing what I am doing right now and living back at home with my mom. I am here for a good reason (full time student with bills who can’t afford an apartment on my own anymore), but living at home seems like such a huge step backwards some days.

One of the guys that I ran into that I used to work with said something like, “Wow, it’s been like ten years!”……yes it has and I am still working for the same retailer 😦  Again, not where I want to be. It is a job, not a career for me. Shouldn’t I be in my career at my age? I feel that I am stagnant, that I am just sitting through life when I should be running and jumping.

I know that I am working towards something better for myself, but when I am confronted with questions about where I have gone in the last ten to twelve years there isn’t much I can say. Yes, I have traveled. Yes, I have lived on my own. Yes, I can say that I am back in school. It isn’t the norm, but what is the norm exactly? Not everyone that is married is truly happy and some feel that they had kids too soon.

I was talking to my cousin today who is the same age as me and has four kids. She has been married twice and is with a man that makes her truly happy. She loves each and every one of her kids so much, but when I told her that I was kind of glad for not having kids yet because I wasn’t ready to give up everything and be completely selfless, she confessed that she sort of wouldn’t mind not having kids. Her life would surely be different than it is now.

There isn’t just one path in life and choosing the one to the left when most travel to the right is okay. In fact, if we all did exactly as everyone else, there would be quite a traffic jam! All I’m saying is that what is right for someone else may not be what is right for you or me. As much as I would love to be working as a nutritionist now instead of being in school for it, I wouldn’t change where my life has taken me thus far. It has made me who I am today and I don’t think I’d want to be any different.

So Tired

I have been so tired lately. Yesterday at my morning job I felt like I was trying to run a marathon after getting hit by an elephant tranquilizer. As soon as I got home I took a nap……and it felt great! If you know me, you know that I next to never take naps. I usually can’t fall asleep and I worry that I won’t be able to fall asleep at night. It took a while to fall asleep but I am so glad I stayed the course. I felt like a new person when I woke up and rejuvinated before having to go to my night job.

I was offered a full time position at my primary job as a merchandiser which I will be taking for now. I have held this position before and have continued merchandising since I stepped out of that position, but this means that I am a primary merchandiser and I will be getting more hours. My manager knows that it will be temporary until I start taking classes again next semester but I am so thankful to be able to make some extra cash. However, this also means that I needed to cut some of my hours from my job at the gym. I can’t be working 60 hours per week between the two jobs so I cut back to ten hours per week at the front desk.

As much as I enjoy saying hello to all of the people coming in to the gym, it gets a little boring after a while and working three nights until 11pm during the week there when I need to be up for work the next morning around 4am means I’m getting about 4 hours of sleep those nights. I hope that cutting back on my hours helps me to get some more sleep and not walk around like a zombie on most days. Also, I hope that my extra sleep will give me a little more motivation for my training. I haven’t been as crazy in the gym lately, but I have increased in some of my lifts despite being so tired so that is a plus 🙂 .

I asked my boyfriend to give me some shoulder exercises to add to my routine since they are something I am really trying to focus on and he told me to do seated military presses in the smith machine. I did them at the beginning of my shoulder workout on Wednesday and my shoulders were so SORE!! I was very pleased 🙂 .

Today I did legs and did weighted glute raises for the first time and LOVED them! I will start doing these on my leg days regularly. As I got done with my first set an older gentleman came over to ask me if they worked your lower abs. I told him he should do hanging leg raises for lower abs and saw him doing them a little later.

My studly boyfriend and I have staycation plans this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited! We are going to be staying in a local hotel to kind of get away. We may not be able to afford a real vacation right now in the sun and sand but that doesn’t mean we can’t get away from home for a little bit.

Baby Envy

Ahhh, babies….

Today I went to see my cousin’s new baby girl. Her name is Emma Lou and she is beautiful ❤

She fell asleep while I finished giving her the rest of her bottle. Her tiny fingers and fingernails are so cute and she has the most beautiful blue eyes. My cousin and I are the same age (30) and this is her fourth child. While I do not feel like I am in the right place in my life to have a baby, I must say that I have some serious baby envy going on. The whole time I was holding her, my mom kept telling my aunts that I was a natural and my aunt asked me when I was going to give my mom a grandbaby. I reminded everyone that my older sister is engaged so they should be asking her and not me  who is just trying to get by while going to school.

A couple of years ago I couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I wanted a baby. I was single at the time and not in a good place to be having a baby then either, but I think being a mom would be so rewarding. Holding precious Emma today is making me think about it again and the fact that I am 30 years old. I don’t want to have kids too far in my future because I don’t want to be too old when they are in their 20’s. If I am blessed with any children, I hope they happen in the next five years. However as we all know, life doesn’t always go as planned.

Something I have been wanting for years though, is a dog!! This also cannot happen now. I want to be living in a house before I get a dog so it is able to roam in a yard.

Incidentally, one of my cousin’s dogs (she has three) had puppies the day she came home from the hospital. I want one so bad!! They are so cute!! Unfortunately I did not take a picture (how did I miss that opportunity!?). The mom is a husky with bright blue eyes and she is gorgeous, and the dad is a mix that for some reason I can’t remember. But he was there today while I was visiting and he was a very handsome dog. If only I could have smuggled a pup out under my coat…..

My Upper Body Starting Muscle

I wanted to post a few pics of what I look like right now so I have something to look back on and compare to. Right now I pretty much only have pictures of my upper body but hope to put up some lower body as well.  I also want to put up some starting measurements so I can measure my progress. This is something I wish I would have done in the beginning two years ago when I first started lifting because I know I grew quite a bit and it would have been nice to see the measured increase. Oh well, live and learn as they say.

Notice the difference lighting makes to definition….I’ll have to try and remember this when I review my progress.

 

I’m really trying to get more definition in my obliques and I REALLY want to be able to see a six pack. I know that the way your abs come in has a bit to do with genetics but I’m really aiming for a different shape than what I have going on right now. They say abs are made in the kitchen…..”they” are right about that. With too much fat over your stomach, you won’t be able to see your abs. Right now I want size, so my focus is not on fat loss at the moment.

Um yea, I cannot figure out how to rotate this. Sorry about that. Hopefully you are sitting at a laptop and are able to pick it up and turn it 90 degrees. If not, I hope you don’t get a neck cramp.

So these are the starting photos of my upper body. Hopefully I’ll get some lower body posted soon to track my progress there.

As far as my big plans for a diet change….I have changed it but am not sticking exactly to my original plan. My guy and I decided not to go to Mexico right now since we both could really use the money on other things. I have about $1,000 worth of car repairs…booo 😦  But we hope to be able to get out of here together in the future. We have a Groupon that we bought a bit ago for a three night stay at a resort in northern Minnesota, so we have that to plan and look forward to.

But, back to the diet…..since I am not planning on being in a bikini soon, I am eating a LOT of healthy fats to help with my gaining along with a large amount of protein. I am usually somewhere between 130 and 150 grams to promote muscle growth while trying to stay a bit leaner.

I eat a large amount of my calories post workout so the nutrients are going into my depleted muscles and it is working well for me so far.

 

It’s Called Fraud

I’ve been working at the front desk of my gym now for about two weeks and have noticed a lot of people coming in to get their cards scanned and then turn around and walk right back out the door. They do this because they get a discounted insurance rates from their insurance provider for coming in a certain amount of times per month. This would be considered insurance fraud if you don’t make it past the desk people. It makes me so irritated every time it happens and a lot of the people that do it are the ones that look like they need to be working out the most. There is an extremely overweight, ok obese, woman that comes in all the time and scans her card and walks out. It doesn’t make any sense to me, at least put in some effort lady!

My favorite though are the people that come in and get their card scanned and then walk into the club just to walk out a minute later as if I’m not going to notice. Today there was a girl that walked in and then not far behind her a guy wearing jeans and not carrying a bag walked in. I thought for sure that he was going to turn right around and walk out but surprisingly he walked in. I wouldn’t have even guessed that they were together. Then the girl walked out about 30 seconds later. I thought maybe she forgot something in her car because she was wearing yoga pants. Not too long after the girl walked out, the guy did as well mumbling something about how he thought he had forgotten something in the club but didn’t see it. Thinking I would help him out, I offered to check the lost and found for his lost item. He replied that he thought it was at his friends house….ok, then wouldn’t it have been easier to call your friend first and ask him if he had whatever it was that you were looking for?

As he was saying this, I see the girl that had walked out pull up to the front in a car and slow down in front of the curb near the guy who was directly in front of the door where I could see them. The guy waved her ahead and walked next to the car as she pulled forward and then got into the car.

How silly of them to think I wouldn’t notice and also to think that they are the only dishonest people that come up in there. At least they were trying to be clever about it I guess.

In any case, don’t people understand that their insurance company gives them a discount because staying healthy means they get ill less often and suffer from high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes, etc less often when they are physically fit? Wouldn’t you think that they would want that for themselves? Call me crazy, but I want to live a long and healthy life, not a short life and certainly not a long unhealthy life. I want to be able to do things and breath easy as I age.

Possible Vacation

Ok,  so my boyfriend and are discussing a vacation to Mexico in April with some of his friends. This means I need to start eating better and STICK WITH IT!! I love to snack late at night so that’s when I’ll need to pay the most attention.  I will (of course) continue to train per usual because I absolutely love it and because without it I may go insane.

No one wants to see this lady in Mexico.

I may be switching up my training days a bit and skipping my optional cardio day for a little while unless I start doing it on Sundays after work. I picked up a second job at my gym at the front desk which will save me $30 a month in membership costs and I’ll be bringing in some extra cash every month(!) The downside is that my primary job starts at 5 or 6am and I don’t get done with my second job until 11pm so some nights I’m only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep which is why my training schedule may change up a little.

Other than that I am really excited to be earning some extra cash and (hopefully) paying down some bills. Although this vacation may be setting me back a bit, but I/we (my boyfriend) need it.